


If you drown in sorrow and anger (turtleducks are the answer)

by deutschistklasse



Category: Avatar: The Last Airbender
Genre: Agni is literally a turtleduck, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst and Humor, Gen, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Missing Scene, Turtleduck(s), What-If, Zuko is an Awkward Turtleduck
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-09
Updated: 2020-08-09
Packaged: 2021-03-06 06:40:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,157
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25808986
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/deutschistklasse/pseuds/deutschistklasse
Summary: After that fated war meeting about Sozin's Comet, Zuko visits the turtleduck pond in the palace garden. Agni is around to hear his doubts and to answer him.
Comments: 19
Kudos: 158





	If you drown in sorrow and anger (turtleducks are the answer)

**Author's Note:**

> I don't own Avatar: The Last Airbender.  
> This fic is the result of one of my readers misreading the tags on my other fic, and thinking that Agni was a turtleduck. The idea didn't want to leave me alone, until I wrote it.  
> This time the pronouns for Agni are they/them, if I forgot you could point me gently to it.
> 
> Warning: Mentions of past child abuse and self-blaming for it.

The biggest lie the Fire Nation ever told themselves was that of the Sun Spirit, Agni. Their image of him was that of a distant, demanding and forbidding father. They worshiped him, built temples for him, considered themselves his children, their bending a gift from him. They told tales about his will to conquer the other nations, to spread their greatness, their culture, their beliefs and values. They called the Avatar the enemy of his will.

But all of it was just self-deceit.

First of all, Agni wasn’t a man. Or a woman. They weren’t confined with the limitations the humans placed on themselves. If they wanted to be a woman or a man or something in-between, they could be just that. If they wanted to take the shape of an animal, they could do that. If they wanted to be something never-before-seen, never-before-heard, they could be just that. They were the Sun Spirit, free of the expectations of mankind.

Secondly, Agni wasn’t unapproachable and cruel. Agni’s favorite form was that of a turtleduck. They were cute, beloved by many. It was the least incriminating shape to roam the lands. Their most frequented place was the palace garden in the Fire Nation, where every turtleduck was welcome. And it was a great place to hear the latest gossip about the royals, who had the most influence on the Fire Nation.

Thirdly, they didn’t want the Fire Nation to spread their so-called greatness, to wage war or to conduct duels in their name. They wanted peace and harmony. They didn’t decide who deserved to be blessed with sunshine and who not. They shone on everybody equally, Fire Nation or not, man and woman, earth and water, criminal and innocent. If they intervened in the human affairs, it was just to guide them to more peaceful, more decent ways, never to conquer, never to hurt.

And lastly, Agni knew about the return of the Avatar and about the Fire Prince’s destiny to befriend and teach him. They were the one who blessed him with it. And they waited in vain for him to realize it. The fate of the world hung on the prince, and they were prepared to interfere if it came to it.

Fortunately they didn’t need to act prematurely. The prince was the one who came to them first.

\-----------------------

Zuko was unsure what to do. He behaved like the perfect prince his Father always wanted, but it left him nauseous, disappointed with himself. He wanted to speak up, he really wanted to, but he couldn’t help but remember, what happened last time he objected to a cruel plan. He didn’t expect mercy from his Father anymore. So he restrained himself and kept quiet. It was the first time, his Father looked at him without disdain. But it didn’t feel right.

Mai didn’t understand, what bothered him. He wasn’t himself in that war room, and he couldn’t speak with her about what happened. He didn’t have the courage to ask her, what she thought. What if she would gladly burn the Earth Kingdom too? Or if she remained indifferent? He couldn’t soil her image in his mind, not when his own image was already tainted. So he kept quiet with her too.

He didn’t want to speak with Azula. His sister stood for the obliteration of the Earth Kingdom, cruel and expectant. People’s suffering didn’t move her. She would call him a fool at best, and a traitor at worst. Anyway she would make sure, that he couldn’t do anything about their plans for the comet.

Uncle was out of the question. Zuko was sure, that he was furious with him. He never spoke when Zuko visited him and asked for his advice. Uncle gave him Roku’s headpiece, but didn’t say, what he wanted from him. He left him alone with his turmoil. If he visited Uncle again, would he scold him for his cowardice or would he wait for his departure in stony silence? Zuko was ashamed of himself, but he couldn’t bear right now Uncle’s rejection.

He wanted to think, so he headed to the only place that felt safe in the Caldera and where he could be relatively alone.

\----------------------

Zuko knelt next to the pond in the palace garden. He was alone with the turtleducks, who were loudly squabbling over something. Just one of them approached him, regarding him with intelligent eyes. Zuko felt the building need to speak with it.

„Hi there, little guy. I hope, you had a better day than me. It must be nice, not to have expectations placed on you.”

The turleduck just blinked at him. Zuko resisted the urge to facepalm. He was speaking with an animal. But if he began, he was going to continue it.

„I was today the perfect prince my Father always wanted. But I don’t feel proud of myself. I don’t know, if I am able to keep up this charade any longer. It feels wrong. So very wrong.”

He pressed a hand to his face. The last time he spoke up, it ended with a scar and banishment. He was afraid to act, but…

„They want to burn the Earth Kingdom off the map. That plan… is so cruel. It can’t happen. But I…”

Zuko sighed. He reached towards the turtleduck, caressing the soft feathers. He was about to inch a little closer, when he saw the turtleduck’s beak open.

_„What do you want to do about it?”_

He jolted. It made him slide down the muddy shore headfirst in the water. He flailed a bit, startled, then felt a frog or two find their way in his shirt. They pawed at his sides with their slimy feet, what made him gasp. Not a smart move. He sat up disgruntled, spitting out a mouthful of pond water. It tasted like mud and dead plants and turtleduck feathers.

He glared at the turtleduck. It had the gall to laugh at him. Great. He went officially crazy. He was hallucinating. It must have been the stress he was under.

He fished out the frogs from his shirt, then tried to rise, but the turtleduck grabbed his robes and pulled him back. Zuko stumbled deeper into the pond. It upset the other birds, who came at him quacking loudly.

„I can’t believe it! YOU! You little– !”

„Zuzu. What are you doing?”

His frustrated cry was cut short by Azula. Even greater. Who else would find him, when he was in the most absurd position? He was acutely aware of the water dripping from his hair and his soaked through clothes painted a very sorry picture of him. He flopped back down in the pond with a huff. He crossed his arms.

„It’s none of your business. Leave me alone. And don’t call me that!”

„Don’t be rude. Can’t I be concerned for you? You could have been drowning.” She ignored Zuko’s muttered profanities, when the turtleducks began to climb him. „And you look ridiculous. What are you doing?”

She couldn’t know that he was about to speak treason at a turtleduck. Or that he was crazy enough to see and hear the turtleduck speak. He didn’t want to give her more blackmail material. And if his Father heard about it… He didn’t exactly encouraged him to be different.

„The weather was too hot for me. And I came here to cool down. Yeah, that’s it.” Zuko winced. He knew, that he was a bad liar, but this must have been one of his worst lies.

„You _do know_ , Zuko, that we have baths in this palace. In plural. As in multiple places to take a bath, cool down and relax. With servants who could help you strip off your clothes, if it’s a too complicated task for you to do it alone.”

He saw Azula lift a brow mockingly, as if saying _Try again, Zuzu, you aren’t this dumb_. In his panic he blurted out the first thing he could think of.

„But they don’t have turtleducks!”

Zuko’s answer drew a laugh out of his sister. She swept her eyes over Zuko’s form. He knew his face was flaming, as he was lying in a pond with turtleducks perched on his head, chest and stomach, arms crossed. He frowned at her.

„Okay, okay, I leave you to it. Yell, if you are drowning. Maybe the guards will help you climb out.”

She was gone at least. Zuko tried to glare at the turtleduck sitting in his hair, but he didn’t really succeed. And he couldn’t reach up, if he didn’t want to wake the already slumbering birds. He was stuck.

He heard the turtleduck’s voice again.

_„You said, the Fire Lord’s plan can’t happen. What do you want to do about it?”_

„Nothing! I can’t do anything! The last time I did something about a plan I disliked, I was forced to fight an Agni Kai! I was weak and I gave up even before it began! And then…”

_„But were you wrong?”_

„I must have been! I didn’t understand their strategy and I thought that I know better. And I spoke up in vain against that plan, it didn’t help. Those soldiers died anyway. I was just a stupid child! A spoiled, arrogant kid, unworthy of Father’s and the Fire Nation’s regard.”

He wasn’t aware of the tears dripping from his eyes, or that he had hist fists clenched. He was angry, so unbelievably angry.

 _„But were you really? I think it’s very honorable to speak up against cruelty.”_ The turleduck’s voice was sad. And he was more persistent than a delusion had the right to be. _„And what about this time? What about the people who will suffer? Who will die, if you don’t do anything? If you give up without a fight?”_

„I don’t know, okay? Leave me alone!” He sat up. The other turtleducks fell from his chest, quacked at him angrily, then swam away. But that one was a stubborn bird, clinging to his hair. He tried to untangle it.

„Why do you ask me this anyway? You’re just a stupid bird. You don’t understand anything.” His voice was bitter, but his hands were gentle, when he lifted the little animal from his head. It nuzzled up to him. „I don’t have the power to prevent it.”

The turleduck tilted its head. _„Don’t you? Then who does?”_

„Nobody. The Avatar. I don’t know…”

His voice trailed off weakly. He put the turtleduck down, immersed deep in thoughts.

Was the Avatar powerful enough to stop his Father’s plan? He couldn’t imagine the Avatar knowing any firebending, and without it, he wouldn’t succeed. Not on the day of the eclipse, and not before Sozin’s Comet. But did he want the Avatar to win? Did he want him to stop his Father?

Yes, he did. This war was crippling everybody. And he was sick and tired of the lies surrounding him. He was welcomed back, but just until he was useful and compliant. He knew it. He felt it. He saw how his Father looked at him. Not with love, not with pride.

What would he do, when he learned the truth about the Avatar’s death? If he burned and banished him at thirteen for speaking out of turn and then for begging for forgiveness, what would he do now?

He was in danger. He was at home, with his family and he was in danger. It should be the place where he was safe, where he was loved and cared for. But since his Mother disappeared, he didn’t feel safe in the palace. Not with his Father or sister. They were trying to mold him into something he wasn’t.

Uncle was the one, who behaved like a father with him. Who cared for him, when he was sick, sad, angry or disoriented. Who wanted him to think for himself, to choose his own destiny. Who never hurt him. Who encouraged him to be himself, to have hobbies, to enjoy life.

Not his Father. Uncle.

Zuko stood up abruptly, the water pouring out of his clothes in rivulets. „I need to go.”

_„Do you know what are you going to do about that plan?”_

Zuko chuckled a bit. He never knew that illusions of turtleducks who served as his conscience could be this persistent.

„You’re a stubborn little troublemaker, right? Yes. Yes, I do. Don’t worry.”

He strode purposefully out of the garden. He had some packing to do.

\-----------------------

Agni watched the prince leave the palace garden. They did everything they could think of to help the teen find his actual destiny. Maybe this time the prince would do what was right instead of what was expected of him.

On the day of the eclipse they changed shape and went after the prince. That dramatic chaos-child could need their help. Agni didn’t abandon their chosen, not when he was abandoned by everybody else.


End file.
